Royle Wedding

OK so…

Anyone know why the 29th April is special? Come on! It’s a pretty special date, in fact it’s life changing!

Well actually it is. This year April 29th sees the 350th anniversary of the Chinese (Ming dynasty) occupation of Taiwan. It’s also the 150th anniversary of Maryland’s delegates voting against secession from the American Union. Both of these events are historical junctures helping to define the two most powerful nations on earth. Want something personal? Hell. It changed my life. On 29th April 2006 I got married. You can’t beat that can you?

Except obviously you can can’t you? According to all the media hype, the wedding due to take place on my fifth wedding anniversary is gonna trump my humble affair hands down. Gah! It makes me sick. I don’t even know how I know Middleton and Windsor are tying the knot on April 29th. I can’t ever remember asking anyone “You know those two people I vaguely know about, one of whom is in a family that I’d like to see hanging from a lamppost… the posh bloke with the daft senile racist granddad? Yeah? When are THEY getting married? Because I’d really like to know!” It just seeped into my skin like some clever poison that hits the vital organs before you know you’ve breathed it. 29th April has been blaring out through our screens and newspapers for what seems like forever.

Usual suspect writes usual story in usual way

Now the way I see it the world is divided into three groups of thought about the royal wedding:

1. Blimey. A new princess Diana? A people’s princess too – her mum was an air stewardess… did you know that? I SAY! DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?! WOW. Doesn’t matter that her dad was loaded. It’s like lady and the tramp in reverse. I’m so excited. Living proof that anyone can join the royal family. I love the royal family so much. I’ve just gone and had April 29th tattooed to my forehead in blue-blood ink. I keep a picture of the queen in my wallet/purse so that if I got shot/stabbed and was dying I’d have an image to comfort me as I choke back my last blood bubbled breaths.

2. I hate the royal family. I’d like them all to die. I don’t believe that the state can support the notion that people are born superior to others. The tax I pay is supposed to create a fairer and more equal society not line the pockets of a landed aristocracy who form nothing more than a pathetic blighted (or bloated) anachronism on the landscape.

3. I really do not care either way.

Of these three I’d say I fall most into category two. Which I’m slightly ashamed of. It would be much cooler not to care. I can remember the moment I heard Princess Diana was dead – the first thing I said was ‘good’. Hell! I’m a real rebel actually. I once gave the middle finger to the queens motorcade as it zoomed by and I’ve refused to stand up at royal minute silences down the footie. Power to the people!

But the vast majority of the global population don’t care. Hell, thankfully, some don’t even know, although I still worry when I speak to people in other countries and they talk about it. As though assuming every household in Britain has a small Kate Middleton shrine and a little “advent calendar” counting down the days to the wedding – except with a little royal turdy titbit of trivia instead of a santa shaped chocolate. Thankfully though these people often couldn’t give a toss themselves. They’re just making small talk because, from what they’ve seen, the whole country is Royal fucking mentalist.

There lies the problem…

Basically the first category of people is surely a tiny proportion of our fair country. If the Daily Mail, Sky News and David Cameron were to be believed this is because we have so many immigrants that half the population can’t even say “God Save The Queen” in English… let alone sing our hatefully putrid national anthem.

Regardless. I know of NOT ONE PERSON who is attending one of the multitude of street parties that are allegedly sweeping the country on April 29th. But these are surely going to be ubiquitous? Alas… not true. The simple fact is this: Not many people care about whether or when some royal gets married. Even Helen Mirren didn’t even know which Prince Kate was marrying – something the press was keen to point out as a faux pas, rather than the norm.

However, the tiny minority who actually care seem to have the weight of the entire national media on their sides. They WILL have their street parties (in their old people’s homes and mental asylums) – it’s probably in their diaries already as the most important event in their lives since they lined the motorway wailing and weeping and throwing flowers on Diana’s hearse.

So here is the point. Who asked the date of the wedding? How do we know?Why do I, someone who hates the royal family as much as the next man and ignores or rails against anything I read about them, know so much?

  • Why do I know Kate Middleton is supposed to have three different dresses to throw people off the scent (what scent)?
  • Why am I aware of every bit of Diana’s jewellery that’s gonna be worn on the day, from some earrings on an aunt to the ring being shrunk for the new people’s princess?
  • Why do I know about Middleton’s secret confirmation ceremony as a Christian (presumably if you’re going to join the family of the god/appointed head of the Anglican church you may as well join it)?

Tell you why? It’s the press stupids! The sinister act of pressmosis has poisoned this republican heart with its royal wedding fever. Like today on Sky news. As they railed against immigration again there was a little line running across the bottom of the screen relating some story about the royal wedding which said “blah blah blah Middleton blah bah Blah ROYAL WEDDING ON 29THAPRIL” – probably assuming that someone had come down from a cloud and missed the whole media frenzy of the last few months. The BBC, JUST TO REMIND US are running a documentary on the history of Royal Weddings in the next few days. There’s even a film coming out about the wedding BEFORE it even takes place.

Straight to TV format

I was in Lidl recently and this GERMAN retailer, specialising in short and deep retail lines, had a WHOLE SECTION dedicated to the Royal Wedding. Mugs, champagne glasses, the fucking lot. Sure Lidl aren’t a newspaper, but they are another reflection of the flag-waving tea-towel-toting Royal-Wedding-loving media.

I want to be reminded of this beautiful day every time I dry up

A quick google search on Royal Wedding returns 372 million results from the last 24 hours  – surely this is disproportionate. 7 results for every man woman and child in the country. In a single DAY?… Ok so royal wedding is a generic term, but news sources for the last 24 hours returns over 18,000 results. Our media are so keen to push a news agenda on a nothing event that they will write or reproduce 18,000 stories on it in a day.

Mind you running the same search on Cameron immigration only turns up just over 1,00 results…. so perhaps there is a sense of perspective out there somewhere after all.

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One response to “Royle Wedding

  1. You forgot that it’s also allegedly Hitler’s wedding anniversary too.

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